How do you say happy birthday to someone who is struggling?

Overview

The main thing to do is to take a guess at whether they want to be reminded of their birthday or not, and then choose a suitable card and message depending on that.  If you know the person well enough the answer is probably obvious.  If not, either ask them or take a guess.

Why is it hard to wish someone happy birthday when they are struggling?

The main reason that this is hard is because you don’t know how they feel about their birthday; there’s a good chance that they don’t know either.

When someone is having a tough time, there’s a good chance that they feel uncertain about themselves, and what they want from others.  It’s scary to think that you might say or do the wrong thing and make things worse for them.  And if you care about them it’s probably something you’ll be worrying about.

On top of this, most of us don’t want to talk about our feelings so the only thing you can do is guess.

What are you trying to achieve, and what are you worried about?

As with anything in life, it helps to be clear what your objective is.  In this case, I expect you simply want them to feel better but it’s worth considering the nuances.

Let’s imagine for example they’ve just lost their job or broken up with someone.  What sort of feeling would you like them to come away with?

Here are some examples:

A sense of perspective: help them realise that although bad things have happened, there are still many good things in life for which we should be grateful.

A sense of self-worth: remind them that despite what has happened, they are still a valuable human being.

Happiness: help them forget about whatever happened and focus on enjoying themselves.

Something else?

I think it helps to decide whether your intention is to help them forget about whatever happened and enjoy themselves instead or whether it’s more about helping them process whatever happened and get on with life.  Of course it could be something else but those are the two main themes I think.

How to choose the right message and tone

Think about who they are as a person

This is probably the most important thing; if you know them well enough (which I assume you do otherwise why would you be worrying so much?), it should be fairly easy.

Are they in touch with their feelings?  Are they likely to want a serious message?

If not maybe a silly one will work better.

If in doubt just ask!

If you really have no idea then just ask them!  It might sound stupid but try something along the lines of:

‘You know your birthday is coming up – do you want people to ignore it or treat it like any other day, or celebrate in some way?’.

If nothing else it’ll allow them to reflect on it and think for themselves what sort of attention (if any) they want.

Or send both types!

The worst outcome (I think) would be for someone not receive anything on their birthday when deep-down all they wanted was for someone to show that they've noticed that they're alive.

You could avoid this by sending two cards – one serious one telling them how wonderful they are and another silly one suggesting something childish.  Then tell them which one they're supposed to open first; if it's the right one then great - if not then at least they've received something!

Summary of the different approaches

So I guess there are four choices:

-    Serious card

-    Silly card

-    Both

-    None

How to deliver your message

It doesn’t matter very much really – send an email or card, call or visit (or all four), just make sure you remember!

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Do check out our collections if you're interested: Birthday cards